“Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it.” – Maya Angelou
The frustration I hear repeated most often in the online-dating world is that of men and women both saying they want one thing, but soon after making it clear what they really wanted was something else entirely.
In some cases there may be some deep, dark Freudian like motivation behind it, but mostly it’s simply that we’ve become so sure that if we say what we really want we’ll never get another date. And with each broken trust created by the sudden change of heart it becomes more and more difficult to open up the next time.
When we have failed to identify what we truly want and value then our words and actions tend not to be congruent. This has the potential to lead to confusion and pain for both us and those we interact with. We waste valuable time and energy on encounters that have no hope of a positive outcome because one or both parties are there under false pretenses.
The irony is that no matter what it is you’re looking for someone else is too. And if we all just said that straight from the beginning the process would be much simpler and far less stressful. We might still find we aren’t compatible for other reasons, but we should be able to walk away with more dignity, confidence and trust intact for the next time.
In personal relationships often when we experience hurt or confusion surrounding someone’s actions we take it as a personal failing of our own when in reality that person is dealing with experiences and memories we are unaware of. Their response may have less to do with us personally than it does their personal demons and troubles. Either way, allowing their actions to affect your thoughts about yourself is simply an example of extrinsic factors impacting your internal self-image.
Finding someone you enjoy spending time with is difficult enough. Why make it harder by pretending to be or want something not real? In the online environment that starts both with your pictures as well as your profile.
Here is an example of my own from one of the accounts I use. There is a word count restriction so I don’t go into details, but it seems to make my point: “I’m only in town a couple months before moving on to whatever life throws at me next. I’m not seeking permanent unless you are ready to relocate, but I’m adamant about respect. I’m not your average girl and I know how to say no. But if there is a connection I am a great deal of fun. I don’t believe real conversation happens electronically though so if you only text, feel free to unmatch. I’m not always simple but I’m real.”
If you would like help putting together a profile that is more successful for you, I provide an inexpensive service to that end. You can learn more about it here.
Do you have thoughts or input on this subject? Please let me know what you think by leaving your comments below.