I began my research into the online-dating world a couple years ago after my divorce. I quickly learned a couple things. First I was outnumbered by high margin of men to women. And the less scrupulous men out there would do nearly anything to get your attention. The second was that to sort out said men I had to get really good at recognizing the red flags, but I also had to be very clear about what I wanted, communicate that clearly and make myself accept nothing less.
This particular post is designed to help you do the same.
Ultimately the steps to achieving your goal are as follows:
- Decide exactly what it is you want
- Communicate that clearly
- Identify the red flags both in profiles you read and in the actual conversations you have
- Stick to your guns and accept no less than your stated goals
The first step “Decide exactly what you want” should theoretically be the easiest. For the most part there are only a handful of reasons we seek out other people.
- Simple friendship. This involves someone to hang out with and maybe engage in activities of shared interest with or without other people. Usually this is a need best filled by searching through meetup groups etc.
- NSA No strings attached relationships. This can involve sex or not, but it is absolutely without significant bonding. The only way to maintain these sorts of experiences long term is by keeping the getting to know each other to a minimum. What I’ve found is that the better you get to know someone the increased likelihood of either discovering you can’t stand them or alternatively that you like them more than the ground rules call for.
- The third goal is one with more permanence. It might be marriage. It might be just a long term deeper connection with or without cohabitation.
After you have firmly settled on what you want it is absolutely essential to communicate that in a clear and no BS manner in the profile you create. If you aren’t sure where to start sometimes it is easiest to think about what you don’t want. We all have traits, characteristics and habits that are absolute deal breakers for us. It makes no difference what they are as long as you are respectful in the way you communicate that. And be aware (especially if you are new to the environment) that your profile will likely change some as you gain experiences that cause you to add or amend previous assertions.
Be very picky when you are adding photographs. The image you project plays a big part in the type of person you attract. One of the biggest complaints I hear from both men and women is that they show up for a date and the person doesn’t look like their picture. No matter how much you might hope otherwise, this is not a great way to start the experience. Trust me when I say that we all want honesty. There is someone out there who wants you exactly the way you are and you will save yourself a lot of time, stress and negative memories if you are straight forward from the beginning.
It isn’t imperative, but I would highly suggest going back and double checking your writing for typos and such. It might not affect you finding a date, but it might affect the quality of the date you find.
Do you have thoughts or input on this subject? Please let me know what you think by leaving your comments below.